Commentary:
Appointments difficult for preachers children
A UMNS Commentary
By Connie D. Rouse
I drove up to the United Methodist Church where my oldest daughter was involved in a meeting for a family who would become missionaries in the Bahamas. She stood waiting, the two young daughters of the missionaries with her. The young girls greeted me with huge smiles. The younger child was very playful; however, the girl in middle school seemed a bit uneasy. Recognizing the expression that I have seen on the faces of my daughters and other children of pastors through the years, I immediately asked, "Are you having a rough time with the move?"
Through tear-stained eyes and with a half smile, she responded, "Yes, ma'am. I am."
This was what I refer to as a "God moment." I did one of the things that I do best. I reached out to this young child of God, trying desperately to calm her fears.
Strangely enough, I wasn't just reaching out to her. I was extending a hand of love to my own daughters, who are now grown, and every other child of a pastor who has had to give up their home time and time again for God's sake.
That's the tricky part of it. It's easier for children to understand how some cold, large mega-million dollar company could ask their parent to move. However, how could a caring, loving God keep ripping children away from their friends, their schools and their homes over and over again? We tell them that it is okay because it is for God's sake. The children who are not old enough to truly understand the ways of the Lord must think, "What a selfish God."
My husband is a third generation United Methodist pastor. So, moving doesn't bother him at all. True to his call, he is invigorated and excited with each new move.
I, on the other hand, grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone else. I like being where "everybody knows my name." So I could definitely relate to this young girl.
I remembered my daughters who gave up so much as their father ministered to churches throughout the conference. They gave up first string on the basketball team, tennis, cheerleading, choruses, class presidency, special academic programs, friends, schools and family.
Most times, preacher's kids bond with the people in their congregations in such a profound way that they become family. They know who bakes the best pound cakes and that Mrs. Jones will never forget their birthday. They know to go to Mr. Smith if they need to talk about something. They know who truly loves them and who doesn't. So, when they move to another town, not only must they become acclimated to a new school and friends, but a new family, as well. Most times, the new family is nothing like the one they just left. So, they mourn and the pastor becomes frustrated because he or she is helpless in the appointment that is made for him or her, not by him or her.
Perhaps pastors need to understand sometimes that their children don't understand. They are helpless as well. They must go with their parents. Maybe pastors need to spend as much time helping their children adjust as they spend trying to get the new congregations to adjust to their new minister.
As I have been actively involved in youth ministry as a retreat leader, I have seen the effects on "preacher's kids" when their parents don't spend the time on their own children. The children grow up hating the church and sometimes God, too. They cannot wait to grow up and away from the ministry. They watch as their parents nurture and counsel the children in the congregations when they struggle but reprimand them if they struggle. Pastors sometimes forget the fine line they walk, for they have a dual role. They are their children's parents, but they are also their children's pastors. Let us not pastor the world's children but lose our own children to the world.
It is a difficult line to walk, and that is why we never tried to walk it alone. We made some mistakes, but we always cared about our girls and helped them understand and feel secure. Through the grace of God and the conference youth ministry, they survived and both are involved in ministry today. Life changed for our children every few years as their father ministered, but they connected with youth workers and other youth in the conference in such a way as to never feel abandoned or alone.
Churches play a vital role in the emotional and spiritual well being of children of pastors.
Let congregations who are receiving new ministerial families with children remember what an anxious and difficult time this may be for them. Be patient and loving; accept them graciously into the new church family. Invite the children to events. Introduce them around. Help them feel at home. This will be a "God moment." Use it to glorify God. You will be greatly blessed.
Jesus said, "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin."
Rouse is a free-lance writer and member of Metropolitan Community Church in Harlem, N.Y.
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